Masthead header

I Remember

It has been a little over 7 months since we met and said goodbye to our Sophia. My heart still aches like it did the very moment I saw the sonographer shake her head signaling to us that her precious heart had stopped beating.  I can remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember every detail about the room my sweet girl was born in. I remember that my iv cord drapped over a bassinet I knew would stay empty. I remember that there were two screens used to moniter; one for my contractions, one for the baby’s heartbeat. I remember how my heart sank everytime I looked and saw that screen with a flat line. I remember how Jeremy fell to His knees and cried out to God when we heard the news that she was gone. I remember sweet friends praying over my hospital bed as I waited to deliver. I remember the pain of delivery, and so much more…I remember the pain in my heart. I remember the silence in the room when she was born. I remember the hushed sobs of the medical staff. I remember her beautiful face, and her straight black hair. I remember the ache in my heart. I remember the music that Jeremy played while we held her and prayed. I remember being wheeled out of the delivery room as a nurse said congratulations while another nurse grabbed her arm telling her there was no happy news. I remember sitting on a green vinyl couch preparing to say goodbye, reading Scripture, praying through tears, and singing Great is Thy Faithfulness. I remember driving away from the hospital without her, clutching only a small box of her things, and a heart full of memories of just 12 hours spent with her in my arms. 

But most of all…I remember feeling God’s presence like never before. I remember knowing as hard as it was, I was not alone. I remember peace in the midst of pain. I know that God is Good. I know that He is Faithful. I know He has never left me, and He never will. Seven months later I cling to Him still. It is in the moments when I try to do things in my own strength that I feel that weight of the sadness rush over me. It is in the moment that I run to Him, that I feel Him lift the burden to make it just light enough for me to carry through this life. 

Trusting God does not mean that we will never face suffering. It does not mean that it will not hurt, or that I will be able to move past. It means that I don’t carry the pain alone, but that He walks with me. It means that we have hope. It means that we know that though here our hearts ache for Sophia…there is coming a day when we will see her again. A day when we will say “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” I Corinthians 15:55

DSC_1308

Share on: |Facebook|Twitter|Pinterest
Lois

Oh my what a sweet post. My heart aches for you. Loss is so hard and painful, the loss of your sweet baby must be unbearable at times. I am so thankful that I love, trust and serve a God who has experienced loss and is acquainted with grief. He loves us so. Many blessings to you.

Erin Bridges

Oh, Kristin. This post is beautiful as your wordsare. You continue to leave me in awe of your strength and faithfulness in this season. I’d love to send you an email, but can’t seem to find the best contact email for you. If you don’t mind sharing, I’d love to touch base with you in more than just a blog comment, erin@byerincreativeco.com.

Cara Cobble Trantham

I love you, Kristin. Thank you for sharing these precious memories with us. You are held up in prayer daily.

Nancy Wooden Fowler

Prayers for you. It is wonderful that you can be comforted in the knowledge that God is with you every day.

Tammy Damore

We will never forget!

Verity LeFevre

Bless your heart. I don’t know you, but I know that you know the same God as I do. During our terribly distressing and heart wrenching times in life, we can feel and know God in such a beautiful, special way. I thank Him for that. I especially like your reminder to run to Him and cling to Him instead of trying to carry our pain and burdens by ourselves. It really is our tendency to try that on our own. May God continue to heal you and comfort you and your husband. A sister in Christ.

I read this through tears… This was the very story my sister and her husband lived just earlier this spring. It wasn’t even my baby, but it was my little nephew and he is still so loved and missed. And yes, the faithfulness of the Lord is so real, so true, always. What a precious Jesus.

Ervina

Your precious Sophia was so very beautiful. I know what you mean by remembering everything in vivid detail. I replay the events surrounding our son’s labor and delivery over and over again… And yes, the atmosphere of God’s presence was profoundly significant through it all. So so grateful for Jesus in the deepest pain. Thank you for your words of hope and trust that keep me pressing into Him…

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

*

*