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I Remember

It has been a little over 7 months since we met and said goodbye to our Sophia. My heart still aches like it did the very moment I saw the sonographer shake her head signaling to us that her precious heart had stopped beating.  I can remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember every detail about the room my sweet girl was born in. I remember that my iv cord drapped over a bassinet I knew would stay empty. I remember that there were two screens used to moniter; one for my contractions, one for the baby’s heartbeat. I remember how my heart sank everytime I looked and saw that screen with a flat line. I remember how Jeremy fell to His knees and cried out to God when we heard the news that she was gone. I remember sweet friends praying over my hospital bed as I waited to deliver. I remember the pain of delivery, and so much more…I remember the pain in my heart. I remember the silence in the room when she was born. I remember the hushed sobs of the medical staff. I remember her beautiful face, and her straight black hair. I remember the ache in my heart. I remember the music that Jeremy played while we held her and prayed. I remember being wheeled out of the delivery room as a nurse said congratulations while another nurse grabbed her arm telling her there was no happy news. I remember sitting on a green vinyl couch preparing to say goodbye, reading Scripture, praying through tears, and singing Great is Thy Faithfulness. I remember driving away from the hospital without her, clutching only a small box of her things, and a heart full of memories of just 12 hours spent with her in my arms. 

But most of all…I remember feeling God’s presence like never before. I remember knowing as hard as it was, I was not alone. I remember peace in the midst of pain. I know that God is Good. I know that He is Faithful. I know He has never left me, and He never will. Seven months later I cling to Him still. It is in the moments when I try to do things in my own strength that I feel that weight of the sadness rush over me. It is in the moment that I run to Him, that I feel Him lift the burden to make it just light enough for me to carry through this life. 

Trusting God does not mean that we will never face suffering. It does not mean that it will not hurt, or that I will be able to move past. It means that I don’t carry the pain alone, but that He walks with me. It means that we have hope. It means that we know that though here our hearts ache for Sophia…there is coming a day when we will see her again. A day when we will say “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” I Corinthians 15:55

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