What a week of mixed emotions. This week we launched the Joy in Christ devotional journal, and it has been so exciting to see your orders come in and to think and pray for the women that will study God’s Word using this journal. It is so exciting to see something that I have poured my heart into be out there, and it is my prayer that it will encourage every person that receives it.
At the same time, the weeks has also had a sense of heaviness. Yesterday was 3 months since we found out that Sophia’s sweet heart had stopped beating, and tomorrow will be 3 months since my precious girl was born, and then there is Sunday.
There is such a constant mix of emotions in my heart since losing Sophia, and I can see so many things that God has taught me. Not an hour goes by that my heart does not miss my little girl, which means that not an hour goes by that my heart doesn’t long for Heaven where I know my Sophia is. My heart feels like it is torn in two between my heavenly home, my Savior, and my daughter in Heaven, and my earthly home, with my daughter here, my husband, family, and ministry. I think though it has made me realize that I should have always had that longing for Heaven. It is a delicate balance to yearn for Heaven, and still fulfill my purpose here on Earth.
Three months ago my life completely changed in so many ways. I changed. Any sorrow I feel reminds me of the greatest pain I have ever felt, and every happiness seems to remind me of the one little girl who I wish was smiling with us.
So, this weekend we celebrate Mother’s day. My first as a Mama of two, and my first with a child in Heaven. There will probably be tears, but I can’t help but be thankful for my two little girls, and for the privilege to be their Mama.
I am also so thankful for my Mom, and even extra grateful for her this year. I am so thankful for the way she has loved me, how she has poured her whole heart and her whole life into raising her children. I am so grateful that in the hardest days of my life that she cried with me, prayed for me, and just sat with me. Seeing her hurt for me has just been such a reminder of how much I am loved. And yet, even in her pain, she has pointed me to Jesus, and reminded me that God has a sovereign plan for my life, and He also did for Sophia’s life.